


Clarity

by CassanderRoshack



Series: My Clarity [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Asshole Jake, Depression, Dirk's Issues, Drinking, Drinking to Cope, F/M, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, POV Dirk Strider, Sadstuck, Tears of an Angel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-28
Updated: 2014-06-28
Packaged: 2018-02-06 15:15:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1862523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CassanderRoshack/pseuds/CassanderRoshack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dirk Strider wakes up in his apartment with his three roommates acting strangely. He tries to find out what happened last night that no one is willing to talk to him about. Why is Jake giving him the silent treatment again? Why is Jane crying so much and why the Hell is Roxy sober?<br/>Follow him on the journey to clear his mind and see what happened that changes everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Clarity

He woke with a start, drawing in breath like Lil Cal was trying to accidently strangle him again. Dirk’s orange eyes adjusted to see his white vaulted ceiling above him but didn’t remember really climbing into bed the night before. _“Shit…”_ He frowned, groaning as he rose, searching around for his glasses. His hand skitted his bedside dresser, but found nothing. _“Where’s my…”_ Dirk opened one of his eyes to try to spot them, knowing he was going to get a headache if he was exposed to too much light. The blonde’s eyes opened with a near startled blink. The light wasn’t bothering him too much today- maybe the eye drops Jane recommended were actually helping somehow. He slid off the bed, fully dressed and looked underneath it to see if his glasses were there either. His head popped up, frowning hard seeing that Lil Cal was gone too. “ _Did I leave my glasses and Lil Cal in the living room?”_ He stood, running a hand through his hair as he reached for his doorknob. Gripping it, he turned the knob and- it stuck. Dirk wiggled it a bit before it opened completely. “ _That’s weird…”_

He went into the living room. It all looked stupidly clean- an unusual clean that Jane must of have done in her spare time. She took to cleaning all of their apartments on a whim when she wanted. Dirk saw his tools neatly in rows and Lil Cal wasn’t sitting where she normally put him. He rubbed his eyes, they still didn’t feel that badly affected by the giant windows being open. _“All of them know not to open the windows…”_ Dirk shrugged before going to close them a bit but decided against. He liked them open. The view was pretty over Austin, Texas. They’d decided to all move into his pre-scratch self's apartment complex after the game was over since it had a bit of everything. Hot environment, a room for plants, a big kitchen, a free reign on pet policy and plenty of room. They were all a bit lonely anyway. After going through so much together it had been a better idea for them to stay together. Dirk frowned seeing the streets below. He stared down into it before having an image in his head- a brutal image of him screaming and he fell back from the window. Dirk swallowed, eyes wide and breathe coming fast- he scooted away from the window. _“I need to find the others- what the hell is going on too-”_

Dirk left his apartment stopped short at coming nearly face to face with Jake. They hadn’t been close since the game ended. After their break-up… their stupid _stupid_ break-up that he should have just talked to Jake instead of being such a complete dick but he’d still let happen. Dirk opened his mouth but shut it, moving out of his way as Jake didn’t say a word to him. Jake stood there for a few more moments, just staring at Dirk’s door before walking past it hurriedly to his own apartment that was a few feet away. Jake looked back at him, a deep frown on his face before shaking his head and moving into his apartment. That wasn’t unlike all the other times they’d been in the same place. Dirk felt his eyes prick and felt like yelling at him. He was the one who ignored him- he thought he was fucking dead for Christ sake. You play a dangerous game where you could die at any moment and when your boyfriend doesn’t answer you back you get pretty damn worried but no- he just needed some space that he could have worked with if he’d just talked to him. He had to keep up the silent treatment.

He swallowed, feeling very alone all of a sudden.  He couldn’t talk to Roxy. She was practically his sister/wife through all of that goop-biology crap and last time he checked she still had a crush on him. He couldn’t talk to Jane because she was head over heels with Jake and he didn’t want to get in-between them since they had a much more fucking healthy relationship than they ever did. Was it bad he wanted him to be happy so bad that he was okay with letting Jane have him even it killed him a little. Not like anyone else was ever going to know that about what went on his head though- if it wasn't obvious he was a shit communicator, especially when it came to emotional matters. Some Prince of Heart... Hell even Lil Cal was gone now. The last person he could even begin to think about talking to would be Brobot and the last time he’d had a conversation with him it hadn’t gone well. Dirk sighed, deciding that maybe he would just go see Roxy and drink his problems away right now- it would be safe with her he figured. His depression meds wouldn’t make him do anything stupid if someone was there to stop him. He opened up her door, since she was usually too drunk to open it. She was a lot of things- a great knitter, an amazing computer hacker, great friend, but the drinking was seriously a problem. _“Maybe after Jake and I start talking again we can try to stage an intervention with Jane.”_ Dirk heard them in the bedroom- Jane and Roxy talking. He walked up, not revealing himself yet in case it was some ‘that time of the month’ or ‘I want to be Dirk/Jake’s girlfriend’ talk or something that he really didn’t want to get involved with.

He frowned hearing Jane crying and put his back against the wall to listen to them. “How could he do that to him- to u-us?!” Jane must have been sobbing into Roxy’s shirt because of how muffled it was. Dirk frowned hard, Jake and him where the only two males the girls were exposed to usually so it must have been about them.   _“What the hell did I do now? Or is this about what Jake did to me? That was a long time ago why is she crying now?”_ He leaned in a bit and Roxy spoke softly, tears in her eyes too but she was trying hard to hold it back. “I don’t know Janie, I don’t know…” Jane cried harder, “Why- Why-?!” He was about to step out when he had another flash in his head of the night before he figured. He must have drank too much and forgot it- which would have been a blessing if he had.  
  
 _Jake stepped into the apartment, holding a few games and a bottle of wine. Dirk had looked up from working on brobot and frowned, asking him what he was doing there. Jake had looked down and swallowed, saying he wanted to see if he was available to hang out with. Dirk had made the stupid remark- so fucking stupid- that “Oh now you want to talk to me.” Jake had frowned and he had stopped him from leaving. “I’m sorry! I- You know I say stupid things that I don’t mean!” Dirk had rushed after him, dropping the tool on the floor. The girls had peeked out of their room to look at them fighting in the hallway. “I just needed some space and you were the one who broke up with me!” Jake had yelled at him and Dirk panicked, “Jake- No please, I didn’t mean any of it! You know I’m stupid and I was angry! Please!” He sounded begging even to his voice. The bottle of wine from Roxy’s collection rolled in his apartment when it was knocked off the table by Dirk’s haphazard chase. “No more excuses Dirk! You always say that! You always think you can say you’re ‘sorry’ and change everything back to the way it was! You don’t listen, you only value you someone’s body over their heart, you constantly are overbearing, you don’t care about the person as long as they’re a good fuck!” Jake yelled at him from his doorstep, tears running down his face. He sniffed as Dirk stared at him, mouth hanging half open at what he was saying. But Dirk did listen. Dirk did love Jake. Every part of him. His body, his heart, his mind, that stupid way he giggled at Dirk when he said ammunition in a sexy voice. He wanted to protect him because everyone could die and he couldn’t take Jake being one of them… Jake continued, even more angered by his silence, “It doesn’t matter if I still love you or you still love me! Because I don’t care anymore!” He slammed the door in his face, “Go jump off a roof Dirk! I don’t care anymore!” Dirk had stared at the door for the longest time before Roxy had gone forward but he’d ripped away from her and slamming the door to his own apartment. He had slid down his door, blinking rapidly before throwing his sunglasses to make them shatter on the wall. Dirk swallowed hard and picked up the bottle and uncorking it._

 “Some people are just strong for too long…” Roxy whispered. Dirk swallowed from where he was outside Roxy’s bedroom. He stared straight ahead and walked away. So he’d drunk himself into a stupor and woke up to everyone still getting over it. It wasn’t like he couldn’t handle that- it wasn’t the first time. Least he hadn’t done anything stupid. But it was clear that Jake didn’t care anymore. Dirk climbed the stairs to the roof, finding one of the Roxy’s bottles on the step and opened the door that was already halfway opened already to look at the sky. It was a bright and brilliant blue. He didn’t even remember that he wasn’t wearing his sunglasses as he walked over to the edge. His favorite thinking spot to look down below at the city streets. Dirk was relieved that he didn’t have the same reaction as before as he threw his legs over the edge and looked down below. He rubbed his eyes as he got more flashes in his mind but didn’t see the relation. He didn’t get these usually. They all got them sometimes of the past. It was a part of the after effects of the game. His 'flicker vision' was strong enough to get depression from them and gotten meds from it. They didn’t got down into the city too often but doctor appointments and supply shopping were important enough to break their solitude. He stared over the edge as they started to come faster like outside Roxy’s bedroom and he closed his eyes to make sense of them. That was the only way they stopped.

_Dirk drank another bottle down. He had taken a few away from Roxy and hid them in his apartment. The fifth bottle was in his hand and he was curled up on his couch. Lil Cal was beside him, his creepy looking face seemingly worried but he didn’t care. He wanted to forget about Jake- the game- everything. He wanted to be back with his bro, looking at stupid puppets and horses- shitty ironic comics even shitter rap music and swords everywhere. He wanted none of it to be true and worse that he’d never met anyone. He’d just been alone forever. The bottle was broken and he threw it, causing it to shatter into a thousand pieces. It was dark out and he stumbled up, Lil Cal’s arms around his leg as he got another bottle and he sat him back down on the couch. He drank another mouthful, letting it choke him a bit. His eyes fell on the depression medication in that little pill case that Roxy had got him. They were all so understanding that he was the weakest link. That he had the most problems of them all. They all knew he was the most shattered. Jake didn’t care about that anymore. He didn’t care about him. Why was he sticking around- why was he here anymore when they didn’t need him. They were done with the game- they didn’t need the Prince of Heart. They didn’t need him… He downed the entire bottle pills beside the case, washing it down with the bottle of whiskey that he now had. His vision blurred and he didn’t feel the effects yet. He wasn't thinking straight. He walked into walls as he made his way out his door and down the hall, up the stairs dropping the bottle but not having the coordination enough to pick it back up. He dripped on the way up the stairs. Why the fuck was he still around if no one needed him. Jake didn’t fucking care. Jane would have him all to herself if he was gone. Roxy could be with that guy she met down town without having him there to stare her in the face… They wouldn’t need to take care of him anymore… They were all better off without him. He stepped up on the roof, wavered for a moment before going over the edge. It was a blissful feeling before he hit the ground. That painful moment and it was all over._

Dirk shivered, eyes blown wide and he ran off the edge. He couldn’t be. He was right here. He was right fucking here! There was no way- Jake had saw him right?! He’d looked right at… The blond ran from the roof, glancing at the bottle on the stairs he’d stepped over earlier. The door to Roxy’s place was open already and he ran to Roxy’s room. Jane was gone and she was staring at his picture. “Roxy.” He said and she didn’t turn, his heart was racing. “Roxy!” He called again and went to touch her when she started to cry now that she was alone, “Oh Dirk-…” She whispered and Dirk shook his head, back tracking. He wasn’t dead- He wasn’t dead- He burst through Jane’s door and turned around.  He hadn’t opened it. He’d just gone through it.  
  
“I’m not dead!” Dirk screamed and turned to see Jane was a few feet away, dabbing her eyes and wiping blood off of Lil Cal who stared at him with blank eyes. He shook tried to shake her to realize his hand went right through her as well causing her to shiver, “Can’t you hear me?! I’m right fucking here! I’m not dead! Jane please!” He begged and his voice died as she continued to try to get the blood off of the puppet. Before Dirk knew what he was doing he was running toward Jake’s room. He ran through the door and stopped short. Jake was there on this couch, facing away from him. He was cradling something in his hands. Dirk felt like lead as he walked around him to see what it was. His sunglasses were in Jake’s hand. His throat felt dry watching him and the drops hit the sunglasses black surface. “Jake…” He whispered and Jake let out a soft cry, the glasses were taped him and he was staring at them. “I didn’t mean it-“ Jake cried, looking up at the sky, “I didn’t mean any of it- Dirk- God- Dirk-“ He clutched the glasses to this chest. “I didn’t mean it- I’m sorry- I’m sorry-!” Dirk didn’t even realize that he was going toward him and he kneeled at his feet, his hands on his hands, or just above them rather. “I loved you- I’m sorry- I didn’t mean it-.” Jake hiccupped and Dirk shut his eyes, raising his hand to wipe his tears. “I know, Jakey.” He whispered. “I’m sorry too.” Dirk felt himself start to rise and he shook his head, “No- NO! Not now! I’ve got unfinished business and shit!” He yelled at force lifting him up and couldn’t reach Jake anymore. He reached out to him as it all faded to black.

~~~

                Dirk woke with a jerk. He was hyperventilating. He swallowed hard staring up at the ceiling, remembering his dream perfectly. His hand slowly went to his bedside table and he gripped his sunglasses and put them on his eyes as they started to hurt from the sunlight streaming into his bedroom. He let out a rigid breath before getting up and looking around. Everything was the same. The mess was still there. Dirk was running now, burst past Lil Cal on the couch who watched him go with his creepy little smile at full mast and he burst through Roxy’s door who sat bolt upright screaming about Captain Crunch and he shook her. “I’m alive right!? This is a dream?!” She looked at him, “I’m the drinker- stop shaking me before I-.” She hiccupped, “Throw up on you.” Dirk let out a relieved breath-,  “Oh thank you.” He kissed her forehead before running to Jane’s. She was cooking breakfast and immediately told him that he was early with a smile.  
  
                Dirk nearly felt to his knees but hugged her around her waist. “I never got to tell you this and before I die again I’m gonna tell you now- Thank you- Thank you.” He said seriously, his arms tightly around her. Her arms wrapped around him too and pulled back, “Dirk, are you okay?” She whispered, “You know he didn’t mean any of that last night.” Dirk nodded, “I’m gonna be. Where’s Jake?” Jane shrugged, “I don’t know, he’s probably in his room still.” The blond nodded, “Okay- I’m gonna be. Don’t worry. Thank you.” He said it all as he was running out the door toward Jake’s room. It was different from the dream. There wasn’t a bottle on the staircase. He hadn’t  took the pills. What had stopped him? His head hurt and he touched the back of his head. Lil Cal was laying outside of his door and he stopped to look at him. There was a good size bump there and Dirk started to smile, “You’re a good guardian, Lil Cal.” He told him and the puppet laughed before teleporting. “Creepy. But still a good guardian.” He added before stopping in front of Jake’s door. He took a deep breath and knocked. No more pussy footing. No more suicide dreams that met up with Bruce Willis’ The Sixth Sense.  
  
                The door opened to Jake, who looked over him with a frown, “What is it?” Jake looked a bit awkward, more taken aback than anything. Dirk stared at him for a moment, losing his nerve then gaining it. “I’m an idiot. I’m an asshole. I don’t listen when I should and I talk when I shouldn’t. But- you wouldn’t believe the damn night that I had and I don’t care if you don’t care anymore. I’m _SORRY,_ Jake. I love you. And nothing’s going to change that. I was overbearing because we were in a warzone all the time! I scared to death you’d either die- which Jane saw and I’m damn glad there was a loophole in that- or I’d drive you off like I did. I was angry that I did something stupid and I lost what was most important to me. It’s not the shitty swords or the stupid anime glasses. It’s you.” He stopped and threw his arms up, “I know this won’t make you take me back either but you know I’m gonna say it because if I don’t get it off my chest I’m gonna brood and you know how I am when-.” Jake was pushing him against the wall, kissing him to make him shut up. They were in the hallway with the girls grinning in their apartments. Jane raised her spatula in victory and Roxy giggled, “Finally~!”  
  
                Dirk kissed him back, shutting his eyes as their glasses clinked together. Jake pulled back, “I didn’t mean any of it. I love you too.” The blond hugged him tightly ignoring the girls who were cuing over them like the girls usually did when something cute happened, “What does this mean for us?” Jake shrugged, “We’ve got a lot to talk about.” He put his fingers in his hair and felt the bump on his head, “What’s that?” He asked and Dirk pulled back with a half-smile, “Something else we can talk about.” Jake smiled and nodded as Beck ran past them chasing Frigglish with barks and mows filling the hallway. Dirk caught the cat and Jake the dog and they all had to laugh. That was definitely ironic. “Come on, you guys. There is bacon getting cold!” 

**Author's Note:**

> Okay. Are you pissed at me?  
> I got half way through and I just threw up my hands and had to scream I can't do this shit anymore.  
> So I wrote the ending like that.  
> Please note that if you see something wrong I'll fix it. I wrote this as soon as I woke up of all things.  
> Comment below if you dislike/like it and I should/shouldn't write an alternate ending. <3  
> Thanks~!


End file.
